the dramatic first-person account of the experience of an Italian, Catholic woman, plunged into a vortex of deprivation and self-annihilation, which ended with total submission to her Islamic husband and the dictates of the Koran.
Below, we offer Panorama readers the dramatic first-person account of the experience of an Italian, Catholic woman, plunged – over the course of a decade – into a vortex of deprivation and self-annihilation, which ended with total submission to her Islamic husband and the dictates of the Koran. For security reasons, we will not report the author’s name.
My story begins ten years and nine months ago when in a moment that I could define as vulnerable I met my “soul mate”. The one who will become my husband – with Islamic rite – presents himself as a man of great values, deeply religious, Muslim, whose theological culture and knowledge of Koran they were indisputable. I am Italian and Christian. At the beginning of our relationship, my faith was not only not an obstacle, but it was welcomed and almost celebrated. He often told me that belonging to a specific religious denomination was secondary. What really matters is being a person of faith, sharing the same spiritual sensitivity and fear of God.
This “tolerance” soon vanishes. In fact, he tolerates me. I am not God-fearing, and therefore respectable, but a confused soul who needs guidance and correction. Out of respect for his religion, I asked permission before drinking a glass of wine. He reassured me that it wasn’t a problem but his disappointment was such that I avoided drinking the next time – out of kindness towards him. This “kindness”, however, quickly becomes hypocrisy: «You don’t drink in my presence, but you do it in my absence. You are a hypocrite and the Quran is clear on this aspect: “Truly the hypocrites will be in the deepest Fire and will have no one to help them” (Quran, 4:145)». Therefore, a gesture born out of concern and sensitivity is distorted and transformed into an unsustainable moral accusation. Thus, very slowly, from a glass of wine, the foundations of a ferocious indoctrination based on the fact that I am a woman and therefore a sinner since the beginning of time. While, in reality, Eve’s guilt was erased instantly, eliminating from the start any concept of hereditary sin.
The scorched earth around every bond
Family and friends, my natural support network, are slowly being pushed away, marginalized as sinners of various kinds, making way for a more Islamic concept of husband and wife as a self-sufficient and exclusive nucleus, where every external bond is perceived as a threat or interference to the purity of the marital bond. (Quran, 2:187)
My social network weakens rapidly. I am forced to leave my job because it is an inexhaustible source of sins and temptations. He is my protector and his job is to safeguard my reputation. (Quran, 4:34). Prayer is one of the five pillars in Islam. From the first months of the relationship, I have to pray. Not with him, but behind him. «The Messenger of Allah said: “The best rows for men are the first and the worst are the last; the best rows for women are the last and the worst are the first”» (Sahih Muslim, 440). At this point the reader will think that the writer is a weak person, incapable of reacting, imposing himself or seeing reality for what it is. No. These changes happen very slowly. Every day the natural boundaries between man/woman and husband/wife are crossed, dismantled and redefined according to the rules of the Koran, in a process so imperceptible as to confuse abuse with devotion. The religious, moral, ethical pressure always supported by some verse or hadith (tales, sayings, actions and silent approvals of the prophet Muhammad) destroys the person who suffers them. The writer no longer has any point of reference other than that same person who is slowly crushing her.
Interrogations in the dark and the discovery of other lives
Every change, or rather adaptation, occurs following exhausting arguments, shouting and violence. I am regularly woken up in the middle of the night to repeat precisely and in detail what I said to a colleague, how he responded to me, what gestures I made while speaking: did I touch my hair? Did I smile? So I’m compliant, I’m flirting. «And why do you feel compelled to chat with strangers? What benefits can a stranger bring to your life and our relationship?”, he tells me. So even the simple coffee break soon becomes a clandestine meeting. The Quran establishes that gender relations must be transparent and aimed at marriage. (Qur’an, 4:25) Even many years after having spoken to a colleague, I have to endure nightly interrogations that are exhausting. There sleep deprivation it becomes a problem. My health deteriorates and my nervous system learns to protect itself by shutting down. Chronic tiredness, difficulty making decisions, inability to feel emotions until complete detachment from reality. It is during this period that the wife looks for me and makes sure to meet me. Up until that point I wasn’t aware of any other wives. The woman reveals to me that we are not the only two wives, he goes from house to house according to needs. I look for confrontation, but he points out to me that Allah allows him up to four wives and who am I to go against God’s will? (Quran, 4:3)
The invisible fence and the cancellation of all freedom
I come from a failed marriage. This becomes another excuse to humiliate me, a weapon to use against me in moments of vulnerability. He married me for the love of God, for alms; because almsgiving guarantees spiritual rewards (Qur’an, 33:35). My emotional state, deep sadness, jealousy and suspicion attract the attention of the Jinn – according to Islamic tradition, they are creatures (evil beings), made of smokeless fire who live in a world parallel to ours. My deplorable attitude has attracted them and they are the ones who whisper doubts, fears and bad thoughts to me. (Quran, 114:4-6) I cannot watch television, listen to the radio, I cannot read books or newspapers. In principle these means of information are permitted, but the contents produce an effect on the morality and religious duties of the believer. So it is haramprohibited. I can’t wear makeup, dye my hair or wear nail polish. Any form of personal grooming, even perfume, is seen as an invitation to sin, an act of vain exhibitionism or, worse, a deliberate attempt to seduce other men. (Quran, 33:33) Shopping is done together and the self-service checkout is used because even just saying “good morning” to the employee at the checkout causes his anger. I can’t – I don’t want to – leave the house anymore except to go to work. At work he watches me on sight. He parks himself in front of a window where he can see me and checks if I’m talking and to whom. He scrutinizes my body language and whether I answer the phone. During my lunch break I have to give a detailed report of my working morning. Likewise, in the evening. I cannot keep photographs of my loved ones in the house. “Angels do not enter a house in which there is a dog or an image” – Sahih al-Bukhari (3226) and Sahih Muslim (2106).
The invisibility shield to survive
Our conversations dwindled to nothing. He repeats to me that I am incapable of inspiring intelligent conversations because I am intellectually inferior: the prophet Muhammad addressing a group of women: «O women! Give alms, for I have seen that you constitute the majority of the inhabitants of the Hellfire.” They asked: “Why, O Messenger of Allah?” He replied: «You swear frequently and are ungrateful towards your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence (‘aql) and religion (din) than you. A prudent and sensible man could be deceived by some of you.” The women asked, “O Messenger of Allah, what is deficient in our intelligence and our religion?” He said, “Is not the testimony of two women the same as the testimony of one man?” They responded in the affirmative. He said, “This is the deficiency in his intelligence. Isn’t it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menstrual cycle?” The women said yes. He said, “This is the deficiency in his religion.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 304). Violence is more frequent.
Now I wear the veil. It wasn’t forced on me by him. I wear it because it protects me from him. I hide my presence, my femininity. I disappear to preserve what is left.
